Rubber Chickens, Mr. Bones & the New Normal

I suppose you could blame it on the rubber chicken.

Or perhaps the sparkly tiara.

Or maybe even the pink fuzzy magic wand with its awesome magic wand sound.

Perhaps it was any of those things or maybe it was all of those things…But surely it was something that must have desensitized my students to my wackiness, and my wacky hall-monitoring, rubber-chicken, hand puppet-loving compadre Rhonda.

You see, my friend Rhonda borrowed a skeleton from the science department to teach some health-related something. (There's those darn tootin' things again.)

Well, she couldn't very well leave Mr. Slim Jim Bones in the classroom because experience has taught her that if one were to leave Mr. Slim Jim Bones alone in the classroom, well, bad things happen. Things like Mr. Slim Jim Bones would be missing some bones. Or worse, his bones would be detached and re-attached in places they most certainly don't belong.

So instead of leaving him unsupervised, Missy Rhonda wheels Mr. Slim Jim Bones out into the hall to assist with our hall monitoring. And there we stood with Mr. Slim Jim Bones with his left, bony arm around Missy Rhonda while I held Mr. Slim Jim's right hand.

We stood at our hall monitoring post before first period… and, well, the children walked right on by. Not a peep.

Between first and second period, I upped the ante a bit and donned my tiara since Mr. Slim Jim Bones was wearing a pink fuzzy one. All the children walked right on by. Not a peep except for one boy who said "awesome!"

When passing period was over, I went into my second period class with my sparkly tiara, and no one said a word. I was slightly disheartened.

When the bell for third period rang, all the children walked by apparently oblivious to Mr. Slim Jim Bones except one girl who merely pointed at us and smiled.

Fourth period… Not a peep. Not even one.

Fifth period? Nothing. Nadda, Zilch.

And so it pretty much went the rest of the day.

I finally turned to Rhonda and my other hall monitoring buddies and asked, "What part of this looks remotely like normal behavior to you?"

It took about three days, a pair of 3-D glasses and a pink 3-day for the Cure bracelet before the children acknowledged Mr. Slim Jim Bones.

Jeepers Creepers, how are we supposed to capture kid's hearts if it's this tough capturing their attention?

Mood Swings, Dodgeball & Gift Giving

Even if you don’t teach, you know the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be crazy. Please excuse the paraphrasing, but these are, indeed, times that can try our souls.

Lately, I’ve been using my Desktop Dodgeball Kids to track and signify my mood of the minute, not my mood of the day. Yes, that’s right, I said minute. And lately, I’ve been posting this one:




so I probably ought not to delve into the shenanigans of the week.

OK, so I know shenanigans isn’t really the most accurate word to use here, but I love that word. I love the way it sounds, the way it flows, the way it encompasses so many things. And, that of course, got me to thinking (and we all know what happens when that happens).

But I got to thinking that perhaps now would be a good time to write about some things that I love like my little dodgeball kids which were a gift from my BFF Jennifer.

Well that gift-giving thing got me to thinking about teacher gifts (after all it is the Christmas season), so I thought perhaps I should share a few ideas for gifts that should top everyone’s holiday list this year. Now, I’d like to say that my book should be at the top of everyone’s gift giving list, but since I am still several months away from publication, you’ll just have to wait for the memo on that one and save a few bucks for later. (Don’t you just love shameless self-promotion?). So here’s my list sans my book (And don’t you just love the fact that my four years of college French has finally come in handy?)

Richie’s Top Five Holiday Gift Giving Ideas

#5…Anyone who’s anybody in the EduSphere has to know Mr. Teacher. In fact, he recently hosted the 200th Carnival of Education. If you went to his site for the carnival, you probably noticed the book he has for sale, “Learn Me Good.” I’ve read the book and it’s a quick and funny read. But if reading isn’t your thing, you can always snap up one of his hilarious t-shirts here for any teacher in your life. From “Darth Grader” to “I teach therefore I am… poor” t-shirts, I giggled just reading the choices.

#4…The Desktop Dodgeball Kids mentioned earlier. My BFF Jennifer originally gave them to me to relieve deadline stress. “I know you can’t hit the children,” she said, “but you can whack these little guys with this nifty little ball. It’ll make you feel better.” She was right, of course, about whacking children and the dodgeball kids. But like I said before, these little guys are also nifty to track and illustrate mood shifts. Don’t you just love multi-purpose toys?

#3…A tiara. How you managed to exist without one for this long I will never know. Even if you aren’t a girly girl (because I certainly am not), you need one. Life just seems exponentially better with one. I keep one at the ready in the classroom for kids to wear when they need a pick-me-up or it’s their birthday or because sometimes you just need a tiara. So buy one for yourself and for another teacher in your life. I keep mine handy for when I need to remind the kiddos that I am Queen of my classroom or if I’m having a bad hair day. And, then of course, there are just those days when I need to feel better, and a tiara, as well as a handful of Emergency Chocolate, does the trick.

Which, of course, brings us to Gift Idea #2…

#2…Emergency Chocolate. Who doesn’t adore chocolate? You can never have enough. I still like my personalized Dove Chocolate messages from last year. Remember for a mere $59.99, you can get 50 Dove chocolates with your own “four unique” messages. I think, though, I might substitute “Hails Bails!” and “Don’t Be A Big Fat Stupidhead!” for two of my messages from last year.

And, drum roll pah-leese…Richie’s Number 1 gift idea…A rubber chicken, of course! Jeez Louise, I can’t believe you haven’t purchased a rubber chicken for the teacher in your life. What in the Sam Hill are you waiting for? If you are new to my blog, you’ll need to go here and perhaps here to read all the reasons why no teacher should live another minute without his or her very own rubber chicken. You’ll have to trust me on this one.

And besides, see how perfectly a rubber chicken fits into a Christmas stocking. It just doesn’t get much better than that.

FunnyBack, Cell Phones & Beat the Teacher Night

I need to get my FunnyBack.

Last week just didn’t bring too many ha-ha’s my way. For goodness sake, I even yelled at my yearbook rep, and I never do that. (OK, so maybe I do just a little bit, but only to keep things interesting and to keep him in line because I do actually like him.)

Perhaps it was that newspaper deadline that beat me down.

Or maybe it was the end of the six weeks and grades were due.

Or perhaps, it’s because I realized even though we knocked one six weeks out, there are still five more to go.

Or maybe it’s because children--no matter how much you like them--sometimes just suck the life right out of you.

Sometimes I feel like a trader on Wall Street without a $700 billion bailout in sight.

And for all those clinging optimists out there, let me just say next week doesn’t hold much promise either with Beat the Teacher Night--oh, wait, make that MEET the Teacher Night--on the schedule.

So back to trying to get that ole FunnyBack…

I did manage to overhear one rather amusing story. One of my staffers was grounded for grades and had to surrender her beloved cell phone. Now we all know how catastrophic surrendering one’s cell phone can be for teens, and we all know how teens (like 3-year-olds in a grocery store demanding chocolate) make numerous attempts to wear you down.

Well, in effort to get partial visitation with her cell phone, our intrepid staffer whined to her mom about how unsafe it could be to not have a cell phone. What about kidnappers? Rapists? Stalkers? Robbers? Her crazy journalism adviser?

OMG, she had me convinced there was absolutely no way our staffer could safely walk through the brightly-lit school parking lot to catch that big yellow school bus home. No siree, Missy.

Staffer…“…so I told my mom how dangerous it was to be without a phone, you know, in case of an emergency…”

The rest of the staff… “Yeah, so what did she say…”

Staffer…“Well, later she said I was right and handed me this phone…”

The rest of the staff seemed a bit puzzled…

Staffer…“Just look at it!”

Everyone peered at said cell phone. It seemed OK.

Staffer…“Just look at it!” (now illuminating the offending screen) You can only dial 9-1-1, you know, for emergencies…”

Apparently 9-1-1 emergencies were not the kind of emergencies our staffer was anticipating or wanting to use the cell phone for…

I just hope her mom comes to Beat Meet the Teacher night.

I think she deserves to wear the tiara.

Hails Bails, I think maybe I’ll buy her one.

Shopping, Barneys & Back to School Survival Tips

This week, ahem, has been slightly less exciting than the brown recluse spider hoopdeedo of last week, but that’s OK because with temperatures ready to soar to 107 degrees (don’t ya, just love August in Texas?), I’m not sure that I possess the stamina to survive any more of that kind of excitement.

The start of school still looms just a hop, skip and a sweltering jump away… August 18 for us teacher types and August 25 for the kiddos so there’s still time to…oh, I don’t know… think about things. And, we all know just how dangerous that can be for me (both in the thinking and things realm).

Still, all this before-school shopping thing got me to thinking especially when I navigated my way from the North Park mall shopping center parking lot through Barneys New York. (For those of you unfamiliar with Barneys, well, let’s just say Barneys makes Neiman Marcus sort of look like Target (sorry, Stanley). Not that I’ve spent much time in either store (Barneys or Neimans that is).

Well, there I was walking through Barneys on my way into the mall. Of course, I glanced at a snazzy dress over there on the rack located just past the personal shopper station for $2,200 or so, and naturally, I tried to surreptitiously check the price tag on a nifty pair of boots for a mere $1,100 or so. The sales clerks--excuse me, personal shoppers--never did offer me a bottled water from their neatly stacked rows of chilled spring water. Obviously those bottles were reserved for real Barney types (and I’m not talking about the purple dancing dinosaur types either).

Oh well, like I said, all that got me to thinking just how pathetic my paycheck really is and just how thankful I am that while I may never own a pair of $1,100 plus boots or shoes, I am the proud owner of this extremely clever list…and you can have it for free. Of course, you can always send $1,100 too if you wish.

Richie’s Nifty List of
Top Five Survival Tips For Back to School

#5… Teacher in-service… I wish I could say something clever and insightful, but my mom always said if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say it at all. So, my friends, my mouth’s zipped up tighter than a drum. You’ll find me in the back of the room sitting behind the coaches reading the U.S. Government Accountability Office’s annual report.

#4…Lesson plans… Ah well, you should probably have a plan, you know, a plan to do lesson plans. And maybe even another plan to do those lesson plans sometime before the actual plans are due in your supervisor’s plan for your evaluation plan. Of course, that means you actually have to find some time to plan, so you might want to add that on your List Of Things To Do. (You have one of those, don’t you?) But then if you’re like me (and be thankful that you’re not), you’ll probably lose your List Of Things To Do so now you have to plan to put that list in a safe place. And Jeepers Creepers, we all know what happens in those safe places, and now I’m exhausted just thinking about all that planning we have to do. Jeez Louise.

#3…Improve your disposition… Buy a tiara for school… it may not make you feel better (although it usually does), but at least you will look fab-u-lous!

#2… Check the Things folder… Review the things in the “Things That Will Get You Fired Folder” and watch for those things again… and again… and again… and if you are a publications adviser, you know exactly what I mean and what kinds of ugly things lurk there.

And finally, the #1 Nifty Back to School Tip… drum roll pah-leese…

#1… BYOB… Instead of wishing for a classroom full of Barneys types, just think of all the fun you’d miss if you couldn’t rummage through those dollar Target bins (and if I’ve got to explain that metaphor, well, you probably should rethink the whole teaching thing…ah, there are those things again.)

And besides, you can always BYOB--Bring Your Own Bottled water.