Back-to-School, Top 5 Dream Killers & Educational Polyjuice

Somehow I wish the start of the school year resembled the train to Hogwarts–filled with real magic, owls and wizardry.

Instead, my train resembles an out-of-control freight train like the one in that movie Unstoppable or that barreling bus in Speed.

Harry Potter summons his Patronus to protect him.

Still, my back-to-school runaway train is filled with its own magic of sorts–stuffed with hopes and dreams. But it's also filled with all that invisible stuff, too, and I'm not talking about Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility either. I'm talking about all that scary invisible stuff, and I know you know what I mean.

Instead of dementors, we have dream killers. Unfortunately, I have no wands to distribute and no Patronus to protect us.

If you will pardon the continuing Harry Potter references, then let's take a peak at the Top 5 Dream Killers or Things That Suck the Life Right Out of Teachers across the country this time of year…

#5… The Dolores Umbridge Budget…

I have teacher friends who are lucky to get no more than $50 for school supplies for the entire school year. Maybe those teachers can find and dispense those quills like the one's Hogwarts professor Dolores Umbridge used on her students—the ones that used her student's blood instead of ink. As an added bonus, there's a going green factor involved, too. Since the quill writes on your skin, you save paper and trees at the same time, and all that goes a long way to stretching that paltry budget—a much needed necessity since surveys show teachers shell out an average of $356 out of their own pockets for classroom supplies.

#4… Copy That! Or, Just Try To Copy That–The Hedwig Solution…

Is there a school district on the planet that can copy material in a timely manner without a presidential order or the copy machine breaking down? Now, I know you all know what I'm talkin' about. (Can I get an AMEN, brothers and sisters?) 

How many of you planned to give an assignment or test one day, only to discover the stuff you needed wasn't/couldn't be copied? How many of you then decided to go to Plan "B" only to discover that Plan "B" needed three more copies of something you had stashed in your filing cabinet. And, of course, in order to get copies you had to either (1) dash a 100 yards like the school's star runningback to the nearest copy machine or (2) turn it in the requisite five days before you needed it with the proper form filled out in triplicate. It would be easier and quicker to kidnap Harry Potter's Owl, Hedwig, and have her fly that paper right over to the nearest office store to be copied.

Oh, and before all of you techie types start tsk-tsking that if teachers would just use  all that paperless technology, this wouldn't be an issue, let me point you to Item #3.

#3… Technology & the Vanishing Cabinets

It's not that teachers don't love technology, they love working technology and access to technology, but those of you who read teacher blogs know the following:

(1) Teachers complain that most nifty educational sites they learn about and want to use tend to be blocked by their school districts so they can't use them. 

(2) Many school districts tend to buy programs that create more work, not less work.
(3) Technology never consistently works when it's raining outside.

(4) And finally, anytime a teacher plans a whiz-bang, over-the-top lesson using technology, that technology will invariably fail, and, it is at that point, that the teacher desperately searches for that vanishing closet. 

Now, I suppose we could go to our low tech filing cabinet and pull out that Plan "B" lesson. But, oh wait, remember? We're three copies short, and Hedwig is still cooling her wings and waiting over there at Kinko's.

#2…PowerPoints are Dementors…

Nothing sucks the life out of teachers more than attending a professional development session where the presenter shows a PowerPoint, gives them a hand out of that very PowerPoint and then reads the entire PowerPoint to the group. Just like a dementor, it sucks all the happiness and life right out of you. Given the choice between sitting through such a "presentation" and going face-to-face with a dementor, all of us would rather take our chances with a dementor because at least there's the hope of a Patronus saving us.

And the Number 1 Dream Killer, the thing that sucks the life right out of teachers… drum roll pah-leese…

#1…Polyjuice Hocus Pocus Professional Development

Before school districts across the country open their doors to students, they first subject their teachers to professional development days, and you know from the intro to this blog and from my book, how I feel about that.

I always marvel how teachers from coast-to-coast are forced to attend meetings instead of working in their classrooms and getting ready for their students, or how they are subjected to speakers who try to sell them some alleged newfangled educational panacea that's sure to cure all the educational woes of the day. Sadly, most times these newfangled things are just the same old thing re-tooled, re-fashioned and re-named into something else.

It's all just…Polyjuice!  That's what it is.

Just like in Harry Potter where the Polyjuice potion temporarily allows the drinker of the potion to assume the form of another person, this educational Polyjuice allows these questionable theories to masquade as something new and successful.

Educational Polyjuice.

You might as well as hand out the snake oil.

Teacher In-Service, King of the Forest & ENP Training

While most people are off celebrating Martin Luther King Day, I will be at work--at teacher in-service (which if you're a fan of this blog or if you've read my book, you know how much I just love professional development days).

Still, it's nice having a day to re-group, and from looking over the itinerary, I think I can survive the day especially since a nice little lunch was carved into the schedule. (What's not to like about that?) Plus, as an added bonus, we were able to sign up for professional development sessions we wanted to attend. 

If I were King of the Forest or King of Professional Development, here would be…

Richie's Top 5 Professional Development Offerings

#5…Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eaters–What are the latest cheating methods used by kiddos these days? Show me. By now, we all know the water bottle method, but isn't that a bit old school now? Show me some new stuff.

#4…101 Ways to Text in Class Without Your Teacher Knowing It– With more than 40 percent of teens saying they text in class, show us how they do that–above and beyond the sweatshirt, purse and book tricks.

#3…Virtual Jammie Teaching–Can we have a class, pah-leese where I can teach by slapping up a life-size stand up of myself complete with a camera and microphone while I'm in the comfort of my home in my jammies?

#2…Top 10 Things NOT To Say at a Parent Conference–This could be a really cathartic session where we speak the bubble above our heads and talk about the stuff we wanted to say at some of those interesting parent conferences, but never did, or the things we actually blurted out, but probably shouldn't have.

#1…How To Remain Positive When You're Really Negative– I've got this one covered, and I'll even share this one with you. It works in any situation and with any age group. It's perfect because you (1) ooze empathy (2) manage the correct negative response while (3) providing a positive  boost to self of steam.  It goes like this: Someone asks you something, and you merely respond this way: "I'm so-o-o-o-o sorry. No. Your hair looks lovely today."

Empathy. Negative. Positive.

We could call it ENP training.

Ah, if only I were King of the Forest.

Back to School, YouTube Videos & Shadow Puppets

Like most teachers on the planet--or at least in these parts--I spent last week frantically trying to organize my room and plan for the upcoming school year in the moments provided between attending meetings, learning how to bond with my fellow teacheroos and setting goals.

While at these meetings, we got to watch several nifty little PowerPoints along with nifty little YouTube videos. Don’t you just love those videos? I do.

Jeez, I’d love to show nifty little YouTube videos to help keep my kiddos engaged, but sadly I do not have the keys to enter the YouTube video kingdom where all is nifty and fan-tab-u-lous.

No Siree, not me.

Try as I might, St. Bernard, our school’s Internet gatekeeper, blocks me. No YouTube video kingdom keys for me. No Siree. I couldn’t watch Mr. Teacher’s rather fab-u-lous rendition of Darth Vader explaining the Pythagorean Theorem on YouTube no matter how hard I try.

Nope. No can do. And if you’re reading this from your school, you probably can’t go there either.

And, I’m sad to report that I can’t show an interesting video by that University of Virginia professor to my newly bonded teacheroo friends to discuss how the professor basically cans everything I’ve ever been told about learning styles when he proclaims “Learning Styles Don’t Exist.”

Try accessing that at your school. Nuh-uh. Sorry. No can do. The watcher of all that is Internet will not allow access.

So much for the free flow of ideas. I’m down to a trickle here. I bet you are too. It’s enough to make you think you’re in China. Hey, maybe Chinese spies created Internet blockers.

Now, I could request access from my tech guy buddies, but with our tech guys opening up two campuses and troubleshooting all the computer scheduling problems etc. that surface at the start of the school year, I didn’t because (1) I really, really do like our tech guys and I didn’t want to bother them and add to their stress, and (2) I know this request isn’t that important so it probably stands as much of a chance (at this point in time) as this guy.

So in the meantime until things settle down, I guess shadow puppets will have to suffice.


And if you don’t think I’ll do that, well then my friends, you don’t know me well at all.

Back to School, Nifty Sayings & Bless Your Heart

School districts across the country are ramping up their back to school in-service or professional development sessions hoping to give us tools we can use throughout the year.

Me? Well, I’m sorry, I usually find those sessions less than helpful. (Have you read the little blurby thing under the Bellringers name?)

So since I’m less-than-a-fan of all things in that in-service realm, I thought I would put together a nifty little list of sayings that just might come in handy during the school year. So here we go…

Richie’s Nifty List of 5 Sayings
You Can Probably Use Without Getting Fired

Saying #5…“Well that’s about nine kinds of stupid.”
I don’t know exactly when I started saying the “nine kinds of stupid thing,” but it was at least seven years ago. I don’t know where or why I started saying it, but when I was reading Scott Westerfeld’s novel Peeps which was published in 2006, I noticed he used the phrase “nine kinds” of this and that all throughout the book. Now since I’ve never met Scott Westerfeld, I don’t know how both of us started with the “nine kinds”of this and that thing going on. All I can say is that both of us are Texans (we’ll forgive him for moving) and that perhaps great minds think alike. Not that my mind is great, but…

Saying #4…“That’s interesting.”
I know we’ve covered this one before, but that phrase is so important to have in your teacher lingo repertoire. Go here to read more about that one, but briefly, when someone says something that’s about nine kinds of stupid, you can always say, “Hmmmm, that’s interesting” and then move on.

Saying #3…“Crap Fire!”
Clearly this one’s perfect for situations that normally demand an explicative such as smashing your knee into your desk drawer or when a purple pen explodes all over your hands or your supervisor requests a little chat with you. I’d love to take credit for this one, but it actually comes from my friend Wayna who is a walking dictionary of quirky colloquialisms. If “Crap Fire!” is a bit too strong, you can always alter it to my rendition of “Crack Fire!”


Saying #2…Bull Flop!
My BFF Jennifer (you know the one who lives on the east coast?) sent me this one. When a new policy is implemented that you don’t like, why you can just say, “That’s just Bull Flop.” Or if a kiddo gives you a particularly suspicious excuse, you can respond with “bull flop.” Or, you can just say “bull flop” for no apparent reason, just because it’s fun to say. Try it--bull flop, bull flop, bull flop. See what I mean?


And the Number 1 Nifty Saying, drum roll pah-leese…

Saying #1…Bless her heart
At a recent summer workshop, we decided that you can say just about anything as long as you end your statement with “Bless her heart” or “Bless his heart.” Now before you go off being a naysaying unbeliever just try saying these little ditties aloud and you’ll see what I mean…

“Oh my, she’s dumber than a bag of cat hair, bless her heart.”

“Oh my goodness, his classroom management skills are absolutely horrible, bless his heart.”

“She certainly gained quite a bit of weight over the summer, bless her heart.”

See what I mean? It’s Crap Fire amazing!

So, now you said you were in education?

Why, bless your heart.

Audit Reports, Teacher In-Service & How Bozo Ended Up in Dante’s Circle of Hell

Ahh, the much ballyhooed (now, isn’t that a great word?) Dallas ISD $2 million audit report was finally released and no big shocker there.

According to an article in the Dallas Morning News, the report contained a long laundry list of reforms needed, but no indication of money stolen. The news article went on to say, though, that “the Texas comptroller’s office, the FBI and others have also reviewed the books and found serious areas of concern.”

I won’t bore you with all the details involved in that, but, of course, all of that got me to thinking about things like why I was grateful to be working where I work (sorry, Mr. Teacher), and it got me to remembering a time long, long ago, in a galaxy… oh my goodness Pizza Andy must be channeling through me…so forget the galaxy, but do make that a long, long time ago, when I actually was asked to teach at a professional development day for DISD. (Oh, pah-leese, no need to roll your eyes. It isn’t that much of a stretch, is it?)

So let me tell you my little story that I like to call…

How Bozo ended up in Dante’s Circle of Hell

My feet were as swollen as Bozo the clown’s feet, and I had a sneaking suspicion my hair didn’t look much better. It was Valentine’s Day, and for a number of reasons, it was a life-changing day. I was headed for Hillcrest High School in north Dallas zipping along North Central Expressway in my trusty blue mini-van.

I had taken the day off so I could teach an in-service for Dallas journalism teachers. I almost had turned it down given my penchant for in-service bashing, but I figured I could use the $400 and thought that, perhaps, just perhaps, I could actually impart some words of wisdom. So I stashed a bagful of newly created handouts and set out to discuss how to create a successful high school journalism program.

I called my session “Surviving Dante’s Inner Circle of Hell… how to create a successful high school journalism program and live to tell the tale…” or some such blustering.

My cleverness, as always, landed me in trouble.

When I arrived in my assigned portable building, there were a total of three—count ’em—three teachers attending my session. To make matters worse, they were all English teachers, not journalism teachers. None of them had read past “Surviving Dante” and believed we would actually discuss Dante’s Inferno. One teacher had even brought her own copy of the book.

At that point, I really believed I had entered the circle of hell. I was stuck for eight hours in a small room with three (did I mention three?) English teachers who were not even remotely interested in student publications much less the entire journalism program. Forget the Inferno, I had upgraded to Sartre’s No Exit.

I felt like the guy in the song “Alice’s Restaurant” with his “twenty-seven 8-by-10 glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one” and no one to show them to.

I had my 35 copies of my 14 specially created handouts to show eager new journalism advisers what had taken me more than a decade to discover. Instead, I had three beady-eyed, angry Advanced-Placement-type English teachers who were forced to sign up for an in-service class to garner enough mandatory hours to fulfill their teacher contracts when their peers were out buzzing around on Valentine’s Day eating chocolates with their honeys or shopping with their friends or sleeping late.

The experience was almost enough for me to swear that I would never again berate another in-service presenter if I could just survive that day. (Of course, that was too big of a promise for me to make.)

But overall, that experience did provide a level of clarity as to what my mother always called, “the state of education.” As with most professional development days, the topics tend to either be irrelevant or provided to those who have little or no use for them.

So you see, not only had I started that day looking like Bozo the Clown, I ended the day feeling, well, rather Bozo-ish as well.

In the beginning…my first blog entry

I doubt that I would have survived these 20-plus years as a public high school teacher if each and every day I didn’t ponder, “Is this the day?” You know that day–The Day to actually set your hair on fire and run screaming from the classroom. That day.

And now that I am just about to start my third year at my still-new-to-me school district in my new facilities, the irony is not lost on me that my classroom door is just mere feet from the emergency exit to the parking lot. So, you see, I really could set my hair on fire, run out the door, hop in my trusty blue mini-van and leave in a puff of smoke. If you love that kind of twisted humor, then I think you’ll like reading this blog.

Now that school is gearing up, I’m trying to shift my focus back to the classroom and my incoming students. I must say this focusing thing seems to get a bit more difficult each year. I know I’m not the only one. Kids have problems, too. Can’t you just hear the pens scribbling across prescription pads dispensing medication to treat ADD and ADHD in an attempt to find a magic pill to focus kids back on education? While I have no quick fix solution, sometimes I believe we should remember a simpler time when all a teacher had to do to focus students was to pop a bell ringer – an instructive little ditty that required no hands-on teaching from the instructor–on the overhead. Ah, those were the days, when kids labored over the day’s journal entry, math problem or some other bell ringer, while teachers throughout the school had a small, but important block of time to take care of things from attendance to handing back papers to recording grades.

My bell ringers always provide a small window of opportunity for me to exhale or inhale (depending on whether hyperventilation was in order for the day). Bell ringers also gave me a chance to survey the classroom scene and ponder whether this was, you know, “The Day.

Educational experts (defined as anyone and everyone who has ever sat in a classroom) like to ponder, too, and whine about the problems facing our public school system. They offer a wide array of this and that, believing they have the perfect solution to the problem du jour.

But I have a secret: perhaps instead of dissecting our educational system, we should just celebrate our successes, laugh at our shortcomings and learn from our mistakes and failures. This blog, Bell Ringers, is intended to provide stories from the trenches of more than two decades of classroom experience, three school districts, eight principals, four superintendents and hundreds of children. I’d also like to hear your stories, too, because we all need to celebrate, laugh and learn together.

To get us started, here’s one of my favorites: In my old school, I had just completed my allotted 20-minute lunch block with my lunch-bunch buddies when one of them — a social studies teacher — started talking about her morning class. She was lecturing about how prices have increased over the years. She used stockings as an example, except she used the word “hose.”

“I was telling the class about how the cost of hose had risen over the years, and I didn’t understand why most of the class was giggling,” she told us, “until my student teacher told me the class thought I was saying ‘ho’s’ as in prostitutes instead of nylons.”

Unfazed, she told the class it didn’t really matter which ones she was talking about — the point being that both have increased in price through the years.

Now, there’s a teacher for you, as well as a mini-lesson plan for laughter and learning – two things we certainly could use more of. Hopefully, you will find both here, and we can all survive another day.

And, should we fail? Well, we can always set our hair on fire and run screaming from the building.