FERPA, Ninnyhammers & Clock Stoppers

Some of you may recall when I chatted--OK, so make that ranted--about FERPA (the Family Educational Rights & Privacy Act) that initially was enacted to protect the confidentiality of kiddos’ education records. Despite its original intent, school districts across the land went bat-crack crazy and decided to FERPA-ize everything, and, in the process, terrorize student publications advisers. (You can read about it here, here and here.)

Now my buddies at the Student Press Law Center tell me that the DOE (Department of Education) apparently has gone beyond bat-crack crazy and enacted some additional changes to FERPA that are slated to take effect Jan. 8.

I got a nice little email supposedly from Frank LoMonte himself (the executive director of the SPLC) asking if I would chat about it. OK, so he didn’t use the word chat exactly. I, of course, ever-so-easily flattered thought once again I must be a VIB (Very Important Blogger) to have received such a request. That is until I remembered that this nice little email was probably a mass emailing sent by some computer in a backroom. But, oh well, it’s important enough to chat about even if I can’t be a VIB.

You see, these new rules broaden what the DOE considers to be confidential education records to include basic stuff like statistical data about school safety, discipline and academic performance if school officials think that the person requesting the information or even kiddos on campus can figure out who the information might be about.

Personally, I like the DOE’s illustration of compliance for this new FERPA rule. Under the new guidelines, school officials would not be able to confirm whether it disciplined a student for bringing a gun on campus if the identity of the gun-wielding student could be known to other kids on campus. Because, after all, it’s more important to protect the identity of felons instead of telling students, parents or teachers of impending doom or what steps were taken to deal with said impending doom. No siree, Missy, we’ll have none of that. Hush, hush, don’t say a word.

My new buddy over at the Student Press Law Center tells me, “The DOE simply said that accountability doesn’t matter and that its only concern is secrecy.”

Now, all that nonsense got me to thinking, and by-golly, we all know what happens when that happens. Jeez Louise. But let’s just think about what a fab-u-lous idea it would be to FERPA-ize everything. Everything. Just think about it. Here’s my list…

Richie’s Top 5 list of things to FERPA-ize

#5…Spelling Bees…Those little competitions would have to be the first to go because everyone would know when someone gets an answer wrong, and OMG, we can’t have that now can we? Someone might be identified as a ninnyhammer, n-i-n-n-y-h-a-m-m-e-r, ninnyhammer.

#4…Group work and Project Presentations… Fugettaboutit. No longer can kids work on anything together or present their projects to the class because then everyone would know who did a good job and who didn’t, who were the slackers and who were the workers, who deserved an “A” and who deserved a big, fat zero. Kind of like in the work place, don’t ya know, but no siree, we can’t have that now, can we?

#3… Discipline referral forms… Gone. Sorry. No can do. I’d tell you why I wrote that referral form out, but then I’d have to…Oops, I better not finish that statement… Oh, wait, I guess I could finish that statement because aren’t we protecting felons now? No one would ever know. Shhhhhhhh.

#2…Fitness tests… We’re actually conducting fitness tests at my school, but I guess I better sound the alarm and make everyone stop. (I know my out-of-shape newspaper staff would be thrilled.) Yep, I guess we better stop because we wouldn’t want for anyone to know who came in first or last in that dash around the track. Nope, those times better be top secret stuff locked away along with those Push Up Test results. We wouldn’t want for anyone to get a hold of those dangerous stats.

#1…Grades… Yep, I’m going to have to take a stand here and tell my principal that I’m sorry, but I just don’t think I can turn in any grades of any kind any more. No siree. Just in case someone might know or divine who got an “A” or a “B” or a “C” or a whatever. Hey, perhaps FERPA-izing everything wouldn’t be so bad after all. Accountability? Who cares?

Maybe we should just rename the DOE to the DOBFSH––Department of Big Fat Stupid Heads.

But then I’d have to stop my Big Fat Stupid Head Counter.

Consider it done at 111 days, 16 hours, 19 minutes and 28 seconds.

More Stupider, FERPA-ized & Conspiracy Theories

Is it all in my head?
Is it all in my head?
Could everything be all right without me knowing?
Is it all just some game
Where everything stays the same
Is it all in my head....?

–“Is It All In My Head” by Shawn Mullins

Stress has made me exponentially more stupider.

I know I’ve discussed this topic before, but I think I’ve cross the threshold this time. Let’s back up and start near the beginning…

Somewhere the architects of FERPA (Family Educational Rights & Privacy Act) secretly sneer at the havoc this little piece of legislation has wrought for high school publications advisers from coast-to-coast.

Now I know that FERPA supposedly was never intended to apply to student publications. (You can go here and here to read about that.) But that never stopped school attorneys from telling school districts to FERPA-ize everything, and while some may call me crazy, I have chosen not to meet Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity and keep bashing my head against the same brick wall by fighting it. It’s a losing proposition to argue otherwise. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

Still, I’m convinced that those FERPA writers and school attorneys must harbor a secret grudge against yearbooks and publications advisers. Maybe their names were misspelled, or perhaps a pimple was photoshopped onto their noses, or maybe those “theys” are just humorless-naysaying-mean-spirited-Richie-hata-types who plot in little backrooms on how to make hardworking-emergency-chocolate-eating-poor people like me miserable. Sometimes (OK, it’s probably more like all the time), I just want to pinch their pointy little heads off.

Now, you non-advisers probably are clueless as to what all this ranting is about. Let me bring you up-to-date speedy quick. At the beginning of the school year, school districts send home a nifty little form (ours is Christmas-green in color). Parental units check a block granting or denying permission for their kiddos picture/work,/name to be published online, in the school newspaper, in the school yearbook, on the bathroom wall. (OK, perhaps maybe not that last one). Our form gives them several choices. It goes something like this…

• Choice #1–Yes for giving permission for everything (including the yearbook), but not for directory information
• Choice #2–Yes for giving permission for publishing information in a directory
• Choice #3–No for leave my kid out of everything
• Choice #4–And then there’s some other choice, but I can’t remember because I’m old.

Admittedly, it can be confusing. And confusing it was, when I got a rather nice email from one of our very, very nice keepers of the FERPA list telling me to take a kid out of the NOs and move him into the YES list.

So I looked at my NO list and his name wasn’t there and this is how FERPA crumbled my world in one afternoon. Here’s a synopsis…

Me…I’m really confused now. If they are on the “Yes to directory,” then they can be in the yearbook right? I was only taking out the NOs.

FERPA keeper…There are 5 categories…“NO” equals NO, do not release any information. “YES SCHOOL” equals YES to anything and everything school related. “YES DIRECTORY” equals name, address, phone number can be added in a phone book directory, but this was for the elementary schools and should have never been on the High School FERPA form. They just like to make one district form. “NO RESPONSE” equals YES to everything because they never turned in a form.

Me (After I read that last email about a gazillion times, I decided it was time to throw pride down the drain and admit the obvious)…OK. I’m stupid. Just tell me this… does “YES DIRECTORY” mean YES to the yearbook?

FERPA keeper …“YES DIRECTORY” means NO to the yearbook.

I sort of felt like Liza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. (“I think I’ve got it!. I think I’ve got it!” “By George! I think she’s got it!”)

So-o-o-o-o-o NO really means NO, and YES means YES, except when YES really means NO.

See what I mean? I think I’m officially the most dumbest. I think I need to buy the FERPA keeper some emergency chocolate. Her job is crazier than mine because not only does she have to put up with the humorless-naysaying-mean-spirited-Richie-hata-types who plot in little backrooms on how to make hardworking-emergency-chocolate-eating-poor people like us miserable, she also has to put up with me.

So I did what any self-respecting, bat-crack crazy publications adviser would do––I took the four page list and cornered my principal in the cafeteria.

While I explained the whole shebang, one of the assistant principals who was standing nearby sort of took a giant step back. I think it had something to do with the fact that my eyes were a tad crazy-glazed and my voice was about an octave higher (and maybe even a bit screechier), and well, maybe, just maybe, my hands were animated just a smidge more than usual. Oh, and I think I might have had my scary-face on, too, but I was not holding any sharp objects.

At that point, my principal just gently pried the list from my fingers and told me he’d take care of it.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him about that whole Richie-hata conspiracy theory or those “theys” who congregate in backrooms.

Well, maybe next time.