Monday, November 10, 2008

Blogging, Planes & Teachers in the Skies

When I started blogging, I wasn’t quite sure what that would look like. OK, perhaps that isn’t exactly true. I had a vision. A vision of me lounging around in my jammies, drinking green tea, eating ginger snaps, being uproariously funny and making lots of money for my wittiness.

OK, so now 14 months later, three out of five isn’t too bad.

I’m not in my jammies although I wish I were. Instead, I’m sitting here at the airport waiting on a flight, listening to some CNN idiot on the flat screen, getting nauseated by the couple eating about 2,000 calories of Wendy’s fast food and hoping that no one invades my personal space. (I don’t hold much promise for that last one.)

But back to the blog thing. I usually do drink green tea and munch on gingersnaps—although I never needed the blog as an excuse to do that.

I’m pretty sure for the most part I’m hilarious. OK, OK, OK, so maybe not hilarious, perhaps funny.

Alright, so maybe not funny, but perhaps mildly amusing. (At least to me, in my little world, I crack me up.) Apparently, though, not everyone appreciates my keen sense of humor or my AC/DC reference from my last post. (Ah, the travails of being a rocker at heart.)

But let’s not get in a dither about that. Let’s get back to the my trip. While I was waiting to de-plane, I got to thinking about things, and you know what happens when that happens… But I got to thinking that perhaps being a teacher should be a prerequisite for being a flight attendant. Can’t you see how easy this whole flight thing would work if we just put former teachers in charge? I think it would go something like this…


Before the flight…

Flight attendant…Hey Missy over there by 14A, did you not pass any math classes? Can’t you see that the mass of your overstuffed bag cannot fit into the overhead space. Hey, figure it out-- length times width equals the space. Now, go sit in the remedial math section in the back of the plane.


During the flight…


Flight attendant…Mister 19E, if you don’t quit tapping to the music on your iPod, we’re going to confiscate it! And, you over there in Seat 18D, do ya think the rules don’t apply to you? Can’t you see the seatbelt sign is on? On means on, Mister! Now get your carcass back in that seat, and if I see you get up one more time, bad things are gonna happen to you. And, you in seat 11A, please use your inside voice. Do ya think we want to know what you’re going to do when you get back home? Jeez Louise!

Waiting to de-plane

Flight attendant…Whoa, hold it right there, Row 15! Every one in row 15 will have to wait to de-plane because Missy in Seat 13C did not follow instructions and failed to gather her belongings as instructed. Now, everyone remain quiet and seated until your row is dismissed. OK, everyone look at Row 5. See how quiet they are? Row 5 can leave… OK, now Row 9…

Can’t you just see it? A cadre of former teachers taking over the skies?

Of course, they’d probably pay us less.

And blame us for flight delays.

And hold us accountable for any luggage left behind.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

As someone who flies quite a bit I find your observations to be brilliant and dare to dream teachers should be the trainers for "on-board crew" as they are called on my carrier of choice. Virgin Blue in Australia has "size wise frames" so passengers can make sure their carry-on bags are acceptable sizes at check-in..along with big signs that reads "You can have a big ego but your bag can only be this size (arrow points to the frame)" or you must check it. Can your newly trained cabin crew also ask anyone on a cell phone to use their "inside voice"---or better yet, KLM does not permit use of cell phones on the plane---ever!!!

The Other Carol said...

I always felt that if teachers were flight attendants that we could drinks out a lot faster. It would go somehting like this: "OK. Listen up! All of you who want diet coke raise your hand. (Counting ensues.) Cranberry juice? etc. None of this molycoddling asking each individual his preference. That way those of us unfortunate enough to be in the back of the plane don't end up getting our drinks just as the pilot asks the flight attendants to prepare for landing.

Anonymous said...

You always make me laugh, Ritchie!

KG

loonyhiker said...

This just had me rolling with laughter. I have been on a plane where I have given kids the "teacher look" and my husband was so embarrassed. But it worked.

mybellringers said...

Dear anonymous #1,
Loved the "You can have a big ego" sign…And yes, I agree, we need to include using inside voices on cell phones, not only on planes but everywhere. My goodness, the conversations I have overheard. I blush just thinking about some of them.

teach5 said...

We were on a flight awhile back where the flight attendant doing the pre-flight instructions said, "For all of you who haven't ridden in a car in the last 30 years......" as she proceeded to give the seat belt instructions. She was almost as funny as a teacher.

The Social Reformer said...

lol hilarious

mybellringers said...

Social reformer,
Thank goodness someone else thinks I'm hilarious :-)

Betty said...

I've had these thoughts about flight attendants just throwing sack lunches to the people in coach. Maybe those kids who are constantly aiming for the trash can can take on that job.