Haters, Biters & Back to School

My children hate me, my husband doesn’t listen to me and a brown recluse spider bit me.

And, that’s the good news.

With the new school year looming around the corner, my mind reverts to those days in Psychology 101 and whether fight or flight will win. I think I’d rather just sit by the pool eating salsa, drinking lemonade and playing Switzerland. Yep. Just call me Ms. Neutral-I’m-Not-Going-To-Do-Anything.

If only.

Instead, I suppose we should all ponder the Top 5 reasons for returning to that thing they call school. So here we go…

Richie’s Top 5 Reasons For Returning To School

Reason #5…Of course, we gotta see our Peeps (you know, friends, kiddos and co-workers). Uh-oh, perhaps I shouldn’t use that term anymore since I just finished reading Peeps by Scott Westerfeld. In that book, well, Peeps can suck the life right out of you and can scare the dickens out of you, too. Oh, wait, perhaps, Peeps does provides the perfect word.

Reason #4…New school supplies. Oh, come now, who doesn’t like the look, the smell, the feel of brand new supplies from those bright yellow #2 Ticonderoga pencils to those rollerball gel pens that glide effortlessly across the blue lines of those college-ruled pages. And, of course, all those nifty colored folders… and binders, don’t forget all those binders that promise organization at your finger tips. Ah, if life could be that simple. Still, I get dizzy just thinking about it.

Reason #3… New school clothes. The start of school provides a built in excuse to shop. New shoes, new clothes, perhaps a matching purse…maybe a nifty new car. OK, OK, OK, so maybe not the car, but at least a new ensemble.

Reason #2… A monthly paycheck is rather nice and comes in rather handy to pay those bills for Reason #4 & #3… as well as all those other bills… household expenses, electric bill, gas bill, college tuition, groceries…

And now, drum roll pah-leese…

Reason #1…Now, everyone knows I am not a warm and fuzzy teacher so don’t go getting any ideas here, but the new school year offers the chance to start over. The perfect clean slate. The perfect opportunity to adjust, correct, redirect, regenerate, rejuvenate. The perfect place to try (yet again) to open the door of possibilities.


OK, OK, OK so enough of the mushy stuff… let’s end where we started as I’m sure you’re absolutely dying to know…

My children hate me. OK, so maybe that was a bit of a hyperbole. A moment of pure histrionics. (Remember, school looms, did you really think I wouldn’t throw down an SAT word or two? Jeez Louise, what are you thinking?) OK, so maybe my older daughter likes me now, but the high school one sort of vacillates between antipathy and tolerance. Sort of like most teens, I guess.

My husband doesn’t listen to me. First, I suppose he doesn’t hear very well. Second, I think we rather enjoy carrying on two different conversations at the same time. Makes life a bit more interesting.

Me… Hey, I got bit by a brown recluse spider today.
Him… I think it would be a nice drive if we take the backroads to the Granbury.
Me… It made my thumb numb and all icky looking.
Him… We might try going on the motorcyle.

See what I mean? OK, OK, OK, so maybe that conversation about the spider didn’t go that way, but give me a little creative licensing here. Besides, we’ve been married 25 years. Jeez.

A brown recluse spider bit me. Yikes and boy did it hurt and made my thumb numb and black. Good thing I stuffed my thumb in icy water and went to the emergency room. One look at my thumb and the words “brown recluse spider” moved me speedy quick right to the front of the waiting room pack and into an ER room in record time. Who knew? After an x-ray, a few prescriptions and warnings that “you may lose part of your thumb” depending on how much tissue damage there was, I got to go home with another warning: Don’t go googling brown recluse spiders because it will just scare the bejeebers out of you.

So, of course, what did I do when I got home?

I googled and got the bejeebers scared out of me.

But in addition to creating panic and fear, there was one thing that all that googling didn’t prepare me for––the brown recluse spider also turns everyone into a Valley Girl. Yep, that’s right. Every time I tell someone about the bite, they exclaim, “Oh My God ! Oh My God! Oh My God!”

Thankfully the hand surgeon did not morph into a Valley Girl and exclaim, “Oh My God!” Instead, he kindly told me that although serious, he believes that all will be well if I continue to show improvement and continue the antibiotics. All of which makes me very, very happy as I would prefer to keep all of my appendages.

One more thing about this whole spider episode. It did provide quite a distraction from what looms ahead (that beginning of school thing) and provides a fabulous excuse as to why I failed to write a gazillion lesson plans over my summer break.

Hey, I just might be able to make this spider bite thing work for me yet.