Saturday, October 19, 2013

Zombies, Crazies & Survival Tips

Perhaps it's because another full moon is headed our way towards the end of the month.

Or maybe it's because Halloween is just around the corner along with all the stuff that witches brew brings.

I don't know. All if know is that my Crazy Magnet is stuck in the "on" position and I need to know speedy quick how to unstick it. If I  thought WD-40 would do the trick, why I'd stockpile pallets of that greasy stuff in my garage and call it a day.

Forget about the Zombie Apocalypse. It's the Crazies Apocalypse that I'm worried about.  They're everywhere. No, silly, not Zombies, but Crazies. On the roads, in the stores, on the phone. Here. There. Everywhere. And, I do not like them here nor there. I do not like them anywhere. No siree, Missy. (Hails Bails, I think they even may have had a hand in that whole government shut down thing.)

Luckily, after teaching high school for 27 years, I've developed some slick Ninja moves to survive the Crazies Apocalypse.  Now I am not admitting I've done any of these things, but here are some tips that just might save your sanity…

  • Start waving at someone--anyone--even if you don't know them  and walk briskly toward the person you don't know to get away from the Crazy. Of course, the person you don't know might think you're a tad bit crazy and start waving at someone else, which then, of course, will cause a Crazies Chain Reaction and explain why we're headed for the Crazies Apocalypse.
  • If you're approached in a  parking lot, act like you've lost your car (which for me isn't too much of a stretch most of the time) and keep hitting the horn button. Not only will you find your car, but you'll drown out the Crazy.
  • If you have a nifty bluetooth headset, you can always pretend to be answering your phone and carry on a sane conversation with yourself. (I wonder if that would be considered an oxymoron in my case? I'm pretty sure I've got the moron covered, not so sure about the oxy.)
  • If you're in the supermarket, either hide behind the Halloween costumes until the coast is clear or start trying on Halloween masks, so no one will recognize you. Of course, you probably should remove the mask once you get to the check out counter or you might face an entirely different problem. Something involving numbers like 10 to 20, if you know what I mean.
  • If you're in your classroom, well unfortunately, your options are limited and involve handfuls of emergency chocolate. Lucky for you, if you were hiding down that Halloween isle in the grocery store trying on masks, you probably picked up a bag or two and are all set.

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