Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Little Dab Should Do You

Unless you are stranded somewhere on the Alaskan tundra or lost in an Amazon rain forest, you know we are smack dab in the holiday season and buyers’ rush.

Sadly, I must admit I’ve succumbed to some of this nonsense.

I blame peer pressure. At 52 years of age, you would think one would be impervious to that sort of thing. Pathetic, I know.

I suppose it started when I ventured to purchase some makeup during one of those  “buy something and get a bunch of stuff free in a cute little bag” promotions.

The nice, perfectly coiffed make-up lady asked the standard question, “What skin care regimen do you currently use?"

“None,” I replied.

That made her eye twitch, but she kept smiling. “What eye cream do you use,” she continued.

“Oh, well, none,” I stammered.

Well now, that little statement elicited an audible gasp, not only from her, but from the other matching make-up lady as well as every female shopper within a five-foot radius.

So you can see how I became an easy mark when, in the comfort of my home during Black Friday and Cyber Monday, I succumbed to the promise of Philosophy’s skin care regimen with such products as “Hope in a Jar” and “When Hope Is Not Enough.”

Without batting my-I-don’t-use-eye-cream eyes, I plunked down the $98 sale price for the entire $166 skin care system. In my defense, there was free shipping.

At any rate, all of that got me to thinking (and we all know what happens when that happens). So I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be great if we had a similar cure-all for our classrooms all packaged in cute little jars with nifty little instructions? I think it would go something like this…

Richie’s 3-step Teaching Regimen

Step 1--Teaching Made Simple
•This award-winning formula gently teaches while melting away stupidness, laziness and light rebelliousness.

•Essential teaching elements and mild disciplining agents make this the ideal teaching tool for all student types even those with different learning styles.

•Guaranteed to exfoliate dumb brain cells.

Step 2--When Detentions Are Not Enough
•Just use a few drops of this specially formulated serum and you’ll notice that bad behavior begins to vanish in just a few applications.

•Synergistic antioxidants protect against verbal attacks and classroom outbursts.

•This product replaces our discontinued Classroom Discipline in a Jar.

Step 3--The Let’s-Not-Set-Our-Hair-On-Fire Night Time Renewal Treatment
•An award-winning treatment for calming frazzled nerves, easing Emergency Chocolate Drawer addictions and minimizing the risk of daily irritation.

•Formulated with advanced technology that gently delivers a time-released calming fluid.

•Clinicially proven to lessen the appearance of exasperation and deaden brain cells

Optional Treatment…Help Is On The Way
•Rapidly provides assistance for those trouble spots while brightening your overall attitude and firming your resolve to finish another year.

•Use weekly in the evening for remarkable results that can be seen and felt immediately.

•This product replaces our discontinued Big Fat Stupid Heads No More microdelivery peel.


Working Mommy said...

Don't you wish that stuff really DID come in a bottle?!?! That would be every teacher's DREAM!


Jules said...

oh my god, hilarious! there has to be some scientist somewhere willing to start the research for this, right??

askthehomediva said...

Wouldn't that be great? I'm sure there could be some sort of federal funding or grant for that… 

Of course, some naysayers at my school said that the products probably wouldn't live up to the promises like all those anti-aging creams. Ah, but to dream!